i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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