I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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