ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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