First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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