if i can run in heels then i can drive
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
