it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
