My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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