What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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