a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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