Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
