So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
