The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
