dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
