Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
