She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
