I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I looked at my own cervix.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
