He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
