I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
