I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
