drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
