hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
