Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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