I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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