At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
