I cannot find my penis.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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