Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
