His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
