my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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