Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
