i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's just like the Real World with babies
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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