So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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