I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I hope mine doesn't look like that
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
