god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
