look no pants
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think I have vodka in my lungs
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
