mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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