He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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