so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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