Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
No stitches, just platelets and will power
And the cops told us we were all naked.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
