1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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