I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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