4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
