bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
