Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
