Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
