there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
