I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
