We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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