Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
