i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
