he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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