Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
