I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
