and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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