why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
