My liver just broke up with me...
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
