My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
