The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
