you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
