plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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