guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
