Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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